Elderberry Days: Season of Joy: A Sequel Novella (Elderberry Croft Book 5) Page 2

  Other times, it's as though I must use a wedge and mallet to force myself back into a space that has closed up in my absence. Like one of those dreams where you are trying to run or scream, but your legs are moving through quicksand and all that comes out is a whimper. Those are the days I want to go back to Elderberry Croft, to my sanctuary, back into hiding, back inside of me where I can take out my pain and nurture it, feed it. Shut out the world and everyone in it.

  But I saw what that turning inward does to people. I wish you could meet Patti Davis. She reminds me a little of you. She has this poufy brown hair like yours, and she wears slips, too. But it's more about the way she looks at Richard these days. Something in her eyes makes me remember those moments I'd turn and catch you watching Daddy like that. I remember feeling like I should look away, but I couldn't.

  Richard. He was in terrible shape when I first moved there. Physically, he was and still is a tragic tale walking, but that's not what I'm talking about. He was even more twisted and raw on the inside than he was on the outside. It was the saddest thing to see, Mama, and I couldn't sit by and do nothing. I just couldn't. But it wasn't purely selfless, the special Valentine's Day evening Ivan and I concocted for his parents. I knew it would be a dark day, indeed, for me, if I didn't do something.

  Christian sent me a Valentine card but I knew I'd need substantial fortification to read it. And since I'm not really a drinker, I knew I needed fortification of another kind. So I baked and decorated and made plans with Ivan and we pulled off one of the most romantic nights ever for Richard and Patti. Oh my goodness, they were so cute! And when they drove off into the night in that limo, Ivan and I laughed about how we felt like proud parents sending the kids off to prom.

  When they were gone, Ivan helped me clean up, then we sat outside together, bundled up against the dropping temperature in jackets, gloves, and the glow of success. We talked about Ivan's childhood, about how things had changed so dramatically after his father's accident, and although he'd already thanked me a thousand times for the little bit I contributed, I could tell he was thanking me again by opening up to me about those dark days. I really like the Davis family, Mama. They're all broken in one way or another, but they want to be healed, and I can totally relate to that.

  When the words ran out, we were just fine with sitting there in silence together, listening to the sounds of the night around us, letting the fire burn down, until we heard the wheels of the limo on the gravel drive up front. Ivan hugged me tightly, then hurried back to his folks' place so he could be there to help them inside. Ivan. I pray for him all the time. What a wonderful young man he is.

  I read Christian's card after Ivan was gone, with only the glimmer of those February embers on his slanted handwriting. He has such lovely penmanship for a man, and I love that he's always hand-written his letters and cards to me. He wrote one of my favorite Thoreau quotes in the card, "There is no remedy for love, but to love more." And his own words, brief and simple, were as beautiful as his script. "I love you even more." You know, I thought by leaving I could somehow lessen our pain, but I know now that I only doubled it. How wrong I was. How patient (and stubborn) Christian was. Is. I think the apostle Paul must have known someone like Christian when he wrote 1 Corinthians 13, that passage about love. "Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things."

  I spoke to Patti yesterday. She called to thank me for that night—I can hardly believe it's been a year already—and to tell me Ivan has reserved the limo for them again for Valentine's Day. Richard and Ivan have everything planned and all she has to do is show up looking pretty, per Richard's request. I could practically feel the heat of her blush over the phone.

  Tomorrow is Valentine's Day and I feel a bit like a blushing bride myself. Christian is taking the day off (which is why he's putting in extra hours today) and we've not made any plans for the day until dinner. We're cooking Italian together, something we love doing. Bruschetta, Zuppa Toscana (we use your crock pot for that), Chicken Marsala over made-from-scratch spinach tortellini. Yum. We'll finish off with buttercream Gelato drizzled with some of my elderberry pomegranate jelly. Yes, jelly. I made a batch over the weekend and it didn't set up. But it's so delicious, we're using it like syrup for pancakes, ice cream, and even on our granola instead of honey. We're also drinking the last of my elder flower cordial I made last year while at Elderberry Croft. It's the perfect complement to this Italian meal—we love it in sparkling water.

  It's been raining a lot this month, which is really good for our neck of the woods. Drought is always a concern here in Midland and last year was a really dry year. Besides, I love the rain. I love working in the garden when it's raining (if it's not too cold), and I love hanging out inside in fuzzy sweaters and thick socks, a cup of hot tea in hand. But I think I might suggest we go somewhere in the morning, maybe to Heaps Peak Arboretum up off Rim of the World Highway. The dogwoods won't be in bloom yet, but this time of year, especially with these cold rains, we'll probably have the trails to ourselves. Coming home to the smell of that soup, hot baths, and a fire in the fireplace? Sounds pretty romantic to me.

  Someone's at the door. I'll be back.

  ~ ~ ~

  That was Christian on an early lunch break, or so he said at first. Pretty early for lunch; it was only 10:30! But he arrived about two minutes before Johnny showed up in his truck, the owner of our favorite nursery out in the canyon. They were delivering my Valentine's Day present... two gorgeous little elderberry trees, both just beginning to bloom. Johnny assured me that having two trees makes for much better pollination, and I'm hoping by next spring, they'll be producing enough flowers umbels that I can make some elder flower cordial from my own trees. Wouldn't that be wonderful?

  And how romantic is it to have two of them in our garden? Christian and I are going to plant them together in the morning before we head up to the arboretum.

  I kissed my husband long and sweetly before he left to go back to work. My coffee is growing cold in my cup, but I am loathe to take a sip and erase the taste of his mouth on mine. My lips feel bruised, like they're still getting accustomed to that kind of activity after going so long without. How did we survive so long not kissing? Without touching? Without being able to breathe in the fragrance of each other? I feel like an addict—but in the best of ways!—when I think about him. Like the Shulamite woman in Song of Solomon, "Let him kiss me with the kisses of his mouth, for thy love is sweeter than wine."

  Oh, Mama. A year ago, not only did I feel completely shattered, but I didn't know where any of my broken pieces were. These days, I feel like I'm finding those pieces, one at a time. I don't know if I'll ever be able to put them back together again (Humpty, you and me both), but at least it no longer feels like they're lost forever, you know? And on days like this, when some of those pieces actually fit together and I can see parts of the pattern of who I am, who we are, who we'll be, I cup my hands and let them fill with hope.

  Willow's Elderberry Pomegranate Jelly (or Syrup!)

  Ingredients

  5 or 6 Jars (8-oz) and Lids

  3 Cups Fruit Juice (from 3-4 pounds fresh or frozen berries.)

  1/4 Cup Fresh Lemon Juice

  1 Box Sure-Jell Fruit Pectin

  1 Teaspoon Butter

  4 Cups Sugar

  Preparation

  Prepare your jars and lids ahead of time. Wash jars, screw bands, and flat lid tops in hot, soapy water. Rinse carefully. Place jars on clean cookie sheet in a 250 degree oven until ready to use, and place lids in a clean bowl or pot. Bring a few quarts of water to a boil. Pour boiling water over lids, and leave them to sit in the water until needed. Bring water in water-canner or large stock pot to a boil, then turn to simmer.

  If fresh, discard stems from elderberries and separate pomegranate from casings. Ratio of elderberries to pomegranate is 2:1. Rinse well in a colander. With a potato masher or hands (elderberry juice will stain your skin, so you may opt to use disposable gloves), crush the berries thoroughly, then place all in a saucepan. Cook on medium heat until juice starts to flow, stirring occasionally. Reduce heat to low, cover and simmer for 15 minutes, stirring occasionally. Place 3-4 layers of cheesecloth in a deep stock pot, and pour prepared fruit into cheesecloth. Tie the corners of the cheesecloth together and loop the bag of fruit over the handle of a wooden spoon balanced across the mouth of the pot so the fruit juice drains. Allow to hang until dripping stops, then squeeze gently.

  Cooking Instructions

  ~ Measure out 3 cups of the juice into a 6- or 8-quart sauce pan on high heat. If necessary, add up to a half cup of water to make 3 cups.

  ~ Stir in 1/4 cup of lemon juice.

  ~ Stir in pectin powder.

  ~ Stir in butter when juice begins to foam.

  ~ Bring mixture to a full rolling boil that does not stop bubbling when stirred. Stir constantly.

  ~ Stir in sugar and return to a full rolling boil.

  ~ Boil one more minute, stirring constantly.

  ~ Remove from heat.

  ~ Skim off any foam with a metal or wooden spoon.

  ~ Ladle immediately into prepared jars, filling to within 1/4 inch of the top of the jars. Wipe jar rims and threads.

  ~ Cover with 2-piece lids, screw bands on tightly.

  ~ Place jars on a rack in a water-canner and turn water back up to boil. Water must cover the jars by 1-2 inches. Add more boiling water if necessary.

  ~ Cover pot, bring to a full boil, and let boil for 5-8 minutes.

  ~ Remove jars and place upright on a towel to cool completely.

  ~ After jars are cool, check the seals by pressing the middles of the lids with your finger. If the lids pop back, the lids are not sealed and jelly will have to be refrigerated.

 
Options

  If you INTENTIONALLY choose to make syrup rather than jelly, you can simply leave out the pectin, and jelly will not set up.

  Willow's Elder Flower Cordial

  Ingredients

  2&1/4 cup of sugar

  6 cups of boiling water

  4-5 medium lemons, washed well

  30 large and YOUNG flowerheads, freshly picked. (Be sure to pick these when the flowers are just opening, but have not started dropping petals or beginning to turn brown. If you pick the flowers too old, they have a bitter taste. Pick the flowers when you're ready to make your cordial—if the flowers are not used promptly, the aroma will become unpleasant. Shake them well to rid them of any insects. There is lots of pollen at this stage, but it does not stain.)

  2 ounces citric acid (available at a pharmacy)

  Directions

  ~ In a large saucepan or Pyrex dish, pour boiling water of sugar and stir until sugar dissolves. Leave it to cool to room temperature.

  ~ Zest the rind of the lemons with a fine grater, then thinly slice the lemons, adding both zest and slices to the room temperature sugar water.

  ~ Add the citric acid, stir well.

  ~ Add the elder flower heads, pressing down gently to make sure flowers are submerged.

  ~ Cover the bowl with a clean towel and let sit for 48 - 72 hours, stirring about every 12 hours (once in the morning, once at night).

  ~ Strain through sterilized muslin or cheese cloth (sterilize by swirling cloth in boiling water).Using a sterilized funnel (hot water method), pour strained syrup into sterilized glass bottles (see jar preparation above).

  ~ If you plan to use this within a few weeks, simply cap and store in a cool, dark place. Once opened, the cordial must be refrigerated.

  ~ To store up to a year, you can freeze the cordial in plastic containers, or do a hot water bath (see hot water treatment above)

  How to use

  Elder flower cordial is a concentrate. Willow's favorite use of elder flower cordial is a refreshing drink, using an approximate ratio of 10:1 sparkling water to cordial. It also makes an excellent dessert topping or flavor in frosting, fillings, puddings, and more.

  MARCH

  March 15th

  Dear Mama,

  It's raining again. We've had so much rain this spring! It's wonderful, really—so good for our drought—but after nearly six weeks of ponderous, murky skies, I'm beginning to feel a little like Henny-Penny, "The sky is falling! The sky is falling!"

  Sometimes when it rains, I think it might be God weeping over the condition of things here on earth. The news is full of terrible things happening every day: school shootings, terrorist attacks, religious persecution, child abuse, spousal abuse, political bashing... you can't turn on the television or get online without feeling assaulted.

  But today, the rain feels rejuvenating; a harbinger of something else to come, but something good, something hopeful. As though the moment the sky clears, all will be revealed. If I sit really, really still, I can feel my heart thumping and maybe even hear my blood rushing through my veins. It's a rather delicious sensation. Expectant. Like that verse in Romans. (Oh, how I wish you'd had a chance to read The Message Bible with me, Mama. You would have loved it! It's such a contemporary poetic version of the Bible. Although, I suppose you've probably read it, haven't you? You probably have access to every version of the Bible ever written right there at your fingertips. Will you read it to Julian for me? I know he'd get a thrill out of God being "Captain of the Angel Armies." How epic is that!) Here's that passage from Romans.

  This resurrection life you received from God is not a timid, grave-tending life. It's adventurously expectant, greeting God with a childlike "What's next, Papa?" God's Spirit touches our spirits and confirms who we really are.

  Pretty cool, huh? Adventurously expectant. That's how I feel today. "What's next, Papa?" And I do sense the Holy Spirit working in our lives. I don't know how to explain it, because it's been a tough week, but I do feel confirmed, as though I am valued on a level I can't fully realize in this life.

  We... dismantled? Cleaned out? Took apart? Packed up? What words do I use? Julian's room. The little rectangular box in our home that housed Julian's earthly belongings is empty. But the immeasurable chasm in my heart—the one that's connected to the bottomless pit in Christian's—is not empty. I thought it was for the longest time. But last week, as we were taking apart the crib together, and I was crying so hard I couldn't breathe through my nose, I told Christian that I felt like one of those Black Holes in space you read about. Empty. Nothing.

  He smiled, his eyes bright with his own unshed tears, took the side rail from my hands, and pulled me close.

  "Do you know what a Black Hole is?" His voice so close to my ear was raspy, the way it gets when he's allowing me to just cry without trying to fix things.

  "A bottomless nothing. A blackness so black that no—"

  He cut me off with a shake of his head, then handed me a tissue from one of the boxes on the windowsill (I'd stocked the room before we began). "No, Willow. A Black Hole is just the opposite. It's where so much everything is crammed into one place, creating a gravitational force so strong that nothing can escape it, not even light. That gives it the appearance of nothing, when in fact, it's an area that's immeasurably full." He cupped my face with both hands, brushing away my tears with his long thumbs. "You, my beautiful girl, are the Black Hole of all Black Holes."

  I know. Don't worry. He promised not to make that my nickname. At least not in public.

  I looked it up. He's right, Mama. All this love I have for Julian, all these memories and longings, this heartache and grief. I'd packed so much of it so tightly inside me that nothing was allowed to escape so I could enjoy even the miracle of him.

  For the first time, I really gave myself permission to sort through the Julian boxes in my heart, not to grieve over his loss, but to find joy in the time we had with him. More pieces, Mama. I'm finding more of my pieces, and I'm seeing more of the person I'm supposed to be. The Holy Spirit is confirming who I really am.

  So this morning, Christian and I made Greek yogurt donuts. Oh. My. Goodness. I pulled some frozen elderberries out and added them to half of the batter, along with a little almond extract. Christian prefers them without the fruit, but we took some over to share with Dad. He loves the elderberry donuts as much as I do, mainly because they remind us both so much of you.

  I'm enjoying another one with a third cup of coffee while I wait for Christian to get back from the hardware store. He's picking up supplies for our project today and I opted to stay here and prep the kitchen. And eat more donuts and have more coffee. Maybe that's why my heart rate is elevated, and my blood feels like it's thundering through my veins. Caffeine and sugar. Chemistry at its finest.

  Speaking of science (Black Holes and chemistry and human anatomy and all), we've decided to convert the breakfast nook into a lab kitchen of sorts for me. Wait. Let me back up a little.

  Remember Joe from Space #9? And his drop dead gorgeous wife, Vivien? Well, last month she asked me if I'd be willing to bake a few of my elderberry pastries and pies for a big fundraiser event she was helping to coordinate. They attend this church in Los Angeles that has a really active homeless outreach, and they needed donations for a cake walk. Have you ever done one of those? I had no clue what it was, so Vivien told me it was like a combination of musical chairs and bingo, depending on who was organizing the game. I still have no clue—hee! But I'm happy to contribute anyway.

  Anyway, Vivien was going on and on about how much people loved my desserts and how I should figure out a way to package and sell them, blah, blah, blah. Well, the notion got stuck in my craw (what is a craw???) for a few days, and when I mentioned it to Christian, he was all over that. He suggested I start with Mama Dosh and the Sienna Cafe.